Struggle, pt. 4

Door Bubbles op vrijdag 25 juli 2008 23:45
Categorie: Sprookjes, Views: 1810

It all went wrong a couple of weeks ago, back in Kjeladin. It was the day before his marriage with Safira, one of the councilers of the province and also his wife-to-be. He could still get amazed how he had managed to get the attention of her. Him, just a hunter with unwashed half-long brown hair in a tail and gray eyes and then there was her, an astonishingly beautiful woman with long curly blond hair and blue eyes that seemed to be looking all the way through you, right into the deepest parts of your soul and conscience.
And that had happened just three years ago, when he first met her in a bar. Brandon had been there, celebrating a particularly succesful hunt. Ofcourse he had to give most of the hunting spoils to his landlord, but was allowed to keep some big game, something the landlord rarely did. He chose a bear, knowing it would be a good piece of meat on a big roast for him and his friends later that evening. Then she had entered the bar, standing in de door opening, assessing everyone and without uttering a word started walking purposefully towards Brandon's table, all the time looking straight at his eyes. As the low-cut, richly decorated and heavely laced black dress flowed graciously around her legs and arms, Brandon instantly realised he could easily fall in love with this woman, knew that such a thing would be near impossible, but above all that what was about to happen would be a serious matter that could change his live for good. Women looking like that, didn't enter a bar to have a beer and a nice chat.
"You", she said in a silken, yet commanding voice, as she grabbed a chair and put it in front of Brandon's table, leaning forward and finished: "seem to be the only honest, trustworthy fellow in here who knows how to use a bow or sword. Don't let me down.".
Brandon knew that if he would look a bit down he might just be able to see her navel between her cleavage, the way she was bending over. When she had been standing in the doorway, he couldn't help noticing she had an exquisite figure and the sight right now would probably be very pleasing for the eyes. However, he also knew that what he would do next, or rather, wouldn't, would make all the difference in where this encounter might lead to. Instead Brandon just looked straight at her eyes and kept silent. What he saw there was a lot of intelligence and a trace of being on an edge. After just a few seconds she stepped around the chair and sat down.
"And so you didn't. For know at least... Thank you.", she continued. The voice sounded less commanding now, with more emotion. The sound of slight relieve confirmed his thoughts. "I might have a job for you, if your interested of course. However, you'll have to leave this place and everything and everyone you know in here.", she said in a voice barely audible. The bar had gone nearly silent when she had first spoken to him.
Brandon looked stealthily around him and responded: "Let's go outside for a talk. Indeed too many people in here that even I wouldn't trust.". "A wise decision," she replied. They both stood up and walked through the doorway, into the fresh air. "Who are you anyway?", Brandon asked. "And how could you tell I'm able using a sword or bow?". "I saw the hunting trophies outside, so I know there were some able men in here. As for who I am, right now it suits me better for you to not know that. Let's just say I'm someone who can pay you a lot of money for not asking a lot of questions and just do what you're told to do." she said with a small smile. "I can do that, but I'd rather like to address you by your name instead of calling you just 'lady', since that feels it doesn't do you justice.". Brandon knew he was being bold now, but as her smile widened he could tell the compliment at least was well received.
"I guess I can understand what you mean. You can call me Safira", she confided, "but then I'd like to know your name as well. That would at least be fair.", she added quickly. "Ofcourse, where are my manners? Anyway, I'm Brandon. So what is it you'd want me to do?". "I need protection. And the people who are directly around me can't be trusted anymore. As you might have guessed by now, the job isn't a safe one but you will be compensated accordingly. But if you accept, we have to leave soon. The faster, the better. Some people know I left and will probably have sent some trackers to find me. I need you to at least lose them. I don't care how, as long as it's done quickly.".
Her voice had changed more businesslike and the fear had come back too. At least now Brandon could understand a little bit why. His curiosity had been aroused, and not just because he wanted to know what kind of people would threaten such a woman. Above all he was interested why people would want to do this to her. Maybe because she seemed to be a very remarkable person, with just as much a remarkable personality. And that was another thing he would like to find out.

Volgende: Campzone - dag 2 26-07
Volgende: Campzone - dag 1 25-07

Reacties


Door Cruz, zaterdag 26 juli 2008 08:51

Ik wou eerst posten 'TLDR', maar ben er toch maar aan begonnen en uiteindelijk blijkt het best een leuke intro te zijn voor een fantasy boek :)

Tip: Gebruik een lege regel tussen de alinea's, dan wordt het een stuk leesbaarder. (Nu is het meer alsof je tegen een bladzijde tekst aankijkt, en nodigt het niet erg uit om te lezen)

Wanneer komt de rest? ;)

Door T.net user Bubbles, zaterdag 26 juli 2008 10:32

Ik hoop dat je de andere 3 delen dan ook al gelezen hebt. ;)
Wanneer de rest komt, geen idee, zodra ik weer inspiratie heb. :)

Door T.net user -Theanimal-, zaterdag 26 juli 2008 13:52

Hier zou je inderdaad wel een grappig fantasy boek van kunnen maken. Maar gebruik alsjeblieft alinea's met witregels :P Is 10x zo goed leesbaar :)

Door T.net user The Killer, zaterdag 26 juli 2008 14:24

Het is een redelijk verhaal, maar waarom niet in het Nederlands? Je Engels is niet goed genoeg, dat doet afbreuk aan je schrijfvermogen. Verder zou ik proberen iets meer punten en minder komma's te gebruiken. Er staan meerdere zinnen van tegen de vijf regels in en dat is wel erg lang. Ik denk dat het overschakelen van taal ook zal helpen bij de dialogen. Die zijn een nogal houterig en wollig.
Begrijp me niet verkeerd, ik zie wel enige potentie en als je bovenstaande tips opvolgt, gaat de kwaliteit een stuk omhoog.

Door T.net user _AvA_, zaterdag 26 juli 2008 16:20

Ik begin al niet eens met lezen, het lijkt me een grote ongeorganiseerde brei van engelse tekst die ook in het Nederlands had gekunt.

Door T.net user BTownMadness, zaterdag 26 juli 2008 19:53

sluit me aan bij AvA... maar het was leuk.

Door T.net user Simon Verhoeven, zaterdag 26 juli 2008 20:48

Typ: voeg eens wat witregels toe.
Nu kreeg ik het gevoel van "Wall of text crits you for 2450 written damage".

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